One performance was at our church, where her and her Pre-K/K friends would be singing a couple songs. They practiced at church every Sunday and had a special rehearsal on Saturday. The special rehearsal was helpful to me to try and find all the pieces that might be an issue for her. The microphone was the first one. She realllly wants to hold it and "be in charge". This is a trait that I seem to have handed down to her. We can't help it. Hearing our voices across a speaker gives us chills. However, she wasn't singing a solo-she was part of a choir. So ALL the children needed to be heard singing. She moved and stepped to be in front of the mic often. Note to self: have to talk about the mic rules.
The other performance was with our local skating club. Her and her "new to skate" friends were doing a little performance on the ice where they were dressed up as snowmen. They practiced the performance at least 3-4 weeks ahead of time. There are 2 rinks at our skating center. We usually practice in one, but the performance would be in the other. Note to self: remind her that the skate show is in a different rink. Other note to self: get on-line and show her a picture of the costume.
Both "big rehearsals" were the day before. She had no problem at either one and I was so dang proud of her for taking on this challenge and meeting it head on. I patted myself on the back for tracking down the potential obstacles to success and we all got a good night's rest.
Performance day arrived and we were ready! Grandma was coming to spend the day with us and I was very grateful! It's always nice to have Mom around when you are about to take on crazy for the day.
The church performance was first on the schedule for the day. We arrived ahead of time (again, I patted myself on the back) and we headed to the back to where the children were getting ready.
Wrong.
That's not what "happens" when we go to church. That's waaaaay off routine. Damn, didn't think about that. Okay, we'll deal. So I sit and have a long conversation with how the day is a special day and that she is going to do the singing with her friends. It was crazy in the set-up area. Lots of buzz, lots of activity, lots of people. So I stayed with her and we sat in a corner. I needed to help her adjust to the change of activity....even though she had been in the room 100 times. Different people were in it...."Mama, who are all these people?" Damn. Didn't think of that one.
It was time to put on her "Christmas Tree" costume. Crap. Didn't know that. "But I'm supposed to be a snowman" Ohh damn it! Now there is performance mix-up. Why oh why did I do this!??!
We talked for a long while about the Christmas Tree costume and I was finally able to get her to put it on. She went to the table with her friends and started coloring. Things were starting to feel "normal" to her and I could visibly see the difference. And just as soon as she started to settle in....it was "time to line up!"
Crap, I didn't transition her. I should have given her a 2 minute warning......damn, damn.
As the children were lining up, she decided that she "can't do it." "It's too many" I'm sure she was talking about the amount of people around, so I took her to the back corner and made her sit down. She needed to pull herself together, and I was getting frustrated. "Mama, why are you mad at me?"
Shit.
Okay, I had to get my head on straight. This was supposed to be fun, and I was turning it into a nightmare for her. Haven't I always said that there are somethings she can do and some things she can't do and some things she can do with help? I certainly wasn't helping here. Change of plans....
"Okay, sweetie let's just go in the church and you can sit with me and Grandma and watch. If you want to sing you can. If not, that's okay too." She agreed that was okay.
The performance started and of course the kids were cute as all heck. It was getting close to the time for her to go on stage. "Do you want to go sing with your friends?"
"No. I'm scared."
"Why?"
"Because, I don't remember the singing. I will forget."
"Oh, honey, that's okay. Miss K will help you."
"No Mama"
....and so she didn't.
Next opportunity for her to sing with her friends came up and I asked her again if she wanted to go up.
"No. I mean, I want to. But I can't. I just can't Mama"
And she turned her head into me to cover one ear, pulling my hand to cover the other one. We rocked and I cried.
I cried alot.
I cried the whole rest of the performance.
I rested my head on my Mom's shoulder and cried. There we were, the three of us. Each girl resting on her Mom's shoulder trying to find some peace. And Grandma holding us all together.
I felt like I failed her by not moving more obstacles for her. By not prepping her better.
And then I cried realizing that I am never going to be able to move them all. Ever.
Plus I felt so bad for her. She wanted to....she just couldn't do it. She just couldn't muster the courage to do it.
Thankfully the morning was not a total disaster. Santa came for a visit and gave all the children presents. Her heart was soaring again. (Thanks Santa!...you will never know how you healed a broken heart!)
Deep breath. On to performance #2 for the day.
I walked into the rink quite exasperated. I had already cried a bucket of tears and I had no idea what was about to happen over the next 90 minutes. I have a friend who works at the rink who saw me walk in. I'm sure I looked like hell...."What's wrong??"
It's been a day.
Nea is very used to the chaos of the rink. She sees it every time she is there for skating practice or for hockey practice. There are usually scads of people everywhere running around. Nothing new there.
We headed to the locker room to change..... I was dreading that snowman outfit because she'd never seen it, and she had never skated with it on. She had already warned me the day before, "There better be a nose with the costume." Oh sweet heavens, the nose was there too!!
In the costume in a snap, helped a friend into her costume too and then off to sit with her friends and get ready to go on the ice.
And she did.
Without 1 tear. Without 1 stressor. She remembered the routine, she never faltered and she even did an amazing spin. Did I get it on video? Nope. I think I was suffering from PTSD by then and just didn't have any brain cells to think of things like videos.....
She sat with us after her performance to watch the rest of the show and seemed to enjoy every part of it. She couldn't wait to get back on the ice for open skate.
150 other people were on the ice for the open community skate. But she didn't care.
So what have a learned? I'm not sure. I think I would do it all again. I think.
I have always believed in giving her opportunities. And what I guess I need to remember is that she will decide what is and is not possible. On her terms. With her own courage and strength.
Oh, and Mom. Always have your Mom with you. :-)
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