As I've discussed before, Nea has been active in figure skating as well as hockey. Being on the ice, is just some place she feels comfortable. I can watch her visibly change once she gets out there. It's been a true blessing to have found this niche for her and that she has opportunities in our community. In my wildest dreams, I would have never picked this sport for her to be a part. I always knew I needed to keep her active-but nothing really presented itself as a viable option. What about dance? Or gymnastics? Or soccer? I will admit that I was a bit paralyzed in trying to figure it out. And I convinced myself I had lots of time to figure it all out. Skating literally fell in our laps. It's certainly been a game changer.
This week marked the end of her most recent 6 week session in both skating and hockey. So evals were occurring this week. The evals determine her skill level and if it's time to move to the next level. She has gradually progressed in each sport over the last 9 months. I've been proud of her accomplishments and excited for opportunities.
Much like the pageant at church, Nea just wasn't cooperative at her skating eval. In fact she was so distracted, so chaotic, that the instructor couldn't really give her an honest eval. However he did come to tell me, "she's a good skater...she just needs to focus." I appreciated his insight, but it didn't give me lots of direction as to what to do with her the next session.
Now as luck would have (and perhaps moreso Divine Intervention) the person who runs the ice rink is a friend of mine from high school. In my frustration of what to do with her next, I contacted him for some advice and some direction on what her next step would be. His opening words...
"...are you going to push her?"
Well now there's a question that's actually never been posed to me before.
I have always believed that I move Nea daily out of her comfort zone. I make sure she looks at people when talking, I have her order her own food in a restaurant, I remind her to respond when someone greets her, I help her organize thoughts when trying to express feelings...on and on. All day every day is spent trying to maneuver her through this world and making sure that she understand how it works.
So of course my response is, "yes, of course."
"Then stop telling me about her Autism. If you are pushing her, it doesn't matter if she has Autism or not. You are limiting her..."
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa buddy! Who the hell do you think you are!?
"She's going to have to understand how to move through the world without you helping her all the time. Without you reminding her all the time. Don't label her. Push her."
Well now that all just hurt my big Mommy heart. Wasn't I pushing her? Didn't I try to make sure that she participated in her surroundings?
"I can't hide her Autism."
"I'm not saying that. I'm saying that she's a kid who learns differently and has a brain that works different than other kids. There's a way to teach her...it just has to be figured out."
And then it hit me. All the advocacy I believed I was doing on her behalf...was perhaps hindering her in the process. It was ME who kept the Autism label on her. Why was I doing that?
"Give her a chance to build her confidence. Her confidence will be what takes her places."
After an evening of LOTS of thought I think I might have come to some conclusions......
Nea's diagnosis at 2 1/2 years was such an overwhelming thing to me that I threw myself headlong into "being a parent of an autistic child". There was much to learn, there were things that needed to be accomplished, there were appointments and schedules and school and .....well everything.
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| Nea age 4 @ Pre-School |
But see, now I'm coming to a place in Nea's life where Nea is becoming her own person. Even at 5 years old she wants to make as many decisions as she can. And that means that every single day is one day closer of her navigating on her own. But that also means that she could easily stay in a comfort zone at this point. It would be a lot simpler to close in and just coast. And the skills she has now....she probably could do that without much effort.
But am I willing to push her?
Ironically, right across my news feed on Facebook came the announcement of Temple Grandin's new book, "The Loving Push" It's a book about how parents and professionals should be pushing kids on the spectrum...... (see, I told you that the Universe hits me all at the same time with lessons...)
So, am I willing to get her outside that zone? Can I let her go even farther than what I thought she could do in my own head?
There's the crux.....I was limiting her. He was right. I have no idea what she's capable of, and her Autism has nothing to do with any of that.
In the meantime, her hockey evaluation happened the next evening. She was fantastic! She was so fantastic, when she came off the ice she was flying high!
"Did you see me!? Did you see!? I did great! I listened and I did great!"
Well...look at that....confidence....
Her eval record said the same..."She did great!" And the coach handed me the certificate saying...."she's ready for mighty mites. It starts in January."
What!?
Okay, so if you're paying attention here's what's happening.....
We are moving Nea out of group skating classes to private lessons. Group lessons are just not working anymore for her. She's too distracted and not focused. She is not self motivated when the instructor is working with another kiddo. And she's becoming a bit of a disruption-that's not fair to the instructor or to the other students.
She also will be playing hockey. One night of practice a week with a scrimmage game at the end of the week. I still think the hockey thing is important for her. And yes, it will be a true challenge. She's going to have to learn to play a game, to be a member of a team, to listen to coaches and follow direction......
I talked to the person who will be her figure skating coach. We talked about Nea's drive but lack of focus. She already has ideas to keep her engaged, keep her motivated and how to reward her.
Oh my gosh, I love this woman!
One of Nea's biggest motivators is that she loves competition. Even to work on her sight words for school I have to make it a game. She ALWAYS wants to be the winner. She ALWAYS wants to be first. She ALWAYS wants to be in front. That's her drive. The kid has drive. I don't think I recognized it as that until coach pointed it out.
Nea also has no fear. She will try anything once. And often times twice if she thinks it can be done better. The night of her skating eval she followed around a coach who had a skater that was in the harness practicing jumps. When she came off the ice, she said, " I want to fly! When is it my turn!?" She's brave. The kid is brave. ....I didn't get that before-but she did.
Nea becomes a different person when she's on the ice-I've said it 1000 times. She simply loves being there. She has passion. The kid has passion.... that's not seen often at her age.
So what we have is a kid who is brave, who has drive and who has passion and loves competition.
That's a pretty amazing combination.
I can't wait to see her fly!
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