Pushing.....

It's been a very interesting week for me.  It seems that for me to learn a lesson, I have to hear it over and over again from many different sources.  Eventually, I get the message....and the "click" in my head from the light turning on can be heard around the world.

As I've discussed before, Nea has been active in figure skating as well as hockey.  Being on the ice, is just some place she feels comfortable.  I can watch her visibly change once she gets out there.  It's been a true blessing to have found this niche for her and that she has opportunities in our community.  In my wildest dreams, I would have never picked this sport for her to be a part.  I always knew I needed to keep her active-but nothing really presented itself as a viable option.  What about dance? Or gymnastics? Or soccer?  I will admit that I was a bit paralyzed in trying to figure it out.  And I convinced myself I had lots of time to figure it all out.  Skating literally fell in our laps.  It's certainly been a game changer.

This week marked the end of her most recent 6 week session in both skating and hockey.  So evals were occurring this week.  The evals determine her skill level and if it's time to move to the next level.  She has gradually progressed in each sport over the last 9 months.  I've been proud of her accomplishments and excited for opportunities.

Much like the pageant at church, Nea just wasn't cooperative at her skating eval.  In fact she was so distracted, so chaotic, that the instructor couldn't really give her an honest eval.  However he did come to tell me, "she's a good skater...she just needs to focus."  I appreciated his insight, but it didn't give me lots of direction as to what to do with her the next session.

Now as luck would have (and perhaps moreso Divine Intervention) the person who runs the ice rink is a friend of mine from high school.  In my frustration of what to do with her next, I contacted him for some advice and some direction on what her next step would be.  His opening words...

"...are you going to push her?"

Well now there's a question that's actually  never been posed to me before.

I have always believed that I move Nea daily out of her comfort zone.  I make sure she looks at people when talking, I have her order her own food in a restaurant, I remind her to respond when someone greets her, I help her organize thoughts when trying to express feelings...on and on.  All day every day is spent trying to maneuver her through this world and making sure that she understand how it works.

So of course my response is, "yes, of course."

"Then stop telling me about her Autism.  If you are pushing her, it doesn't matter if she has Autism or not.  You are limiting her..."

Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa buddy!  Who the hell do you think you are!?

"She's going to have to understand how to move through the world without you helping her all the time.  Without you reminding her all the time.  Don't label her.  Push her."

Well now that all just hurt my big Mommy heart.  Wasn't I pushing her?  Didn't I try to make sure that she participated in her surroundings?

"I can't hide her Autism."

"I'm not saying that.  I'm saying that she's a kid who learns differently and has a brain that works different than other kids.   There's a way to teach her...it just has to be figured out."

And then it hit me.  All the advocacy I believed I was doing on her behalf...was perhaps hindering her in the process.  It was ME who kept the Autism label on her.  Why was I doing that?

"Give her a chance to build her confidence.  Her confidence will be what takes her places."

After an evening of LOTS of thought I think I might have come to some conclusions......

Nea's diagnosis at 2 1/2 years was such an overwhelming thing to me that I threw myself headlong into "being a parent of an autistic child".  There was much to learn, there were things that needed to be accomplished, there were appointments and schedules and school and .....well everything.

Nea age 4 @ Pre-School

But see, now I'm coming to a place in Nea's life where Nea is becoming her own person.  Even at 5 years old she wants to make as many decisions as she can.  And that means that every single day is one day closer of her navigating on her own.  But that  also means that she could easily stay in a comfort zone at this point.   It would be a lot simpler to close in and just coast.  And the skills she has now....she probably could do that without much effort.

But am I willing to push her?

Ironically, right across my news feed on Facebook came the announcement of Temple Grandin's new book, "The Loving Push"   It's a book about how parents and professionals should be pushing kids on the spectrum......  (see, I told you that the Universe hits me all at the same time with lessons...)

So, am I willing to get her outside that zone?  Can I let her go even farther than what I thought she could do in my own head?

There's the crux.....I was limiting her.  He was right.  I have no idea what she's capable of, and her Autism has nothing to do with any of that.

In the meantime, her hockey evaluation happened the next evening.  She was fantastic!  She was so fantastic, when she came off the ice she was flying high!

"Did you see me!?  Did you see!?  I did great! I listened and I did great!"

Well...look at that....confidence....

Her eval record said the same..."She did great!"  And the coach handed me the certificate saying...."she's ready for mighty mites.  It starts in January."

What!?

Okay, so if you're paying attention here's what's happening.....

We are moving Nea out of group skating classes to private lessons.  Group lessons are just not working anymore for her.  She's too distracted and not focused.  She is not self motivated when the instructor is working with another kiddo.  And she's becoming a bit of a disruption-that's not fair to the instructor or to the other students.

She also will be playing hockey.  One night of practice a week with a scrimmage game at the end of the week.  I still think the hockey thing is important for her.  And yes, it will be a true challenge.  She's going to have to learn to play a game, to be a member of a team, to listen to coaches and follow direction......

I talked to the person who will be her figure skating coach.  We talked about Nea's drive but lack of focus.  She already has ideas to keep her engaged, keep her motivated and how to reward her.

Oh my gosh, I love this woman!

One of Nea's biggest motivators is that she loves competition.  Even to work on her sight words for school I have to make it a game.  She ALWAYS wants to be the winner.  She ALWAYS wants to be first.  She ALWAYS wants to be in front.  That's her drive.  The kid has drive.  I don't think I recognized it as that until coach pointed it out.

Nea also has no fear.  She will try anything once.  And often times twice if she thinks it can be done better.  The night of her skating eval she followed around a coach who had a skater that was in the harness practicing jumps.  When she came off the ice, she said, " I want to fly!  When is it my turn!?" She's brave.  The kid is brave.  ....I didn't get that before-but she did.

Nea becomes a different person when she's on the ice-I've said it 1000 times.  She simply loves being there.  She has passion.  The kid has passion.... that's not seen often at her age.

So what we have is a kid who is brave, who has drive and who has passion and loves competition.

That's a pretty amazing combination.

I can't wait to see her fly!

The Christmas Tree and The Snowman

So we tried something new this year.  Nea became involved in 2 different "shows" that ironically had the performance on the same day.  I thought long and hard about if I should let her do it or not.  I had no way of knowing how she would handle each situation, but felt like it would be a good thing for her to have the experiences.  I wasn't thrilled they were on the same day, but after many conversations with friends and family I decided to just press forward.

One performance was at our church, where her and her Pre-K/K friends would be singing  a couple songs.  They practiced at church every Sunday and had a special rehearsal on Saturday.   The special rehearsal was helpful to me to try and find all the pieces that might be an issue for her.  The microphone was the first one.  She realllly wants to hold it and "be in charge".  This is a trait that I seem to have handed down to her.  We can't help it.  Hearing our voices across a speaker gives us chills.  However, she wasn't singing a solo-she was part of a choir.  So ALL the children needed to be heard singing.  She moved and stepped to be in front of the mic often.  Note to self:  have to talk about the mic rules.

The other performance was with our local skating club.  Her and her "new to skate" friends were doing a little performance on the ice where they were dressed up as snowmen.  They practiced the performance at least 3-4 weeks ahead of time.  There are 2 rinks at our skating center.  We usually practice in one, but the performance would be in the other.  Note to self:  remind her that the skate show is in a different rink.  Other note to self:  get on-line and show her a picture of the costume.

Both "big rehearsals" were the day before.  She had no problem at either one and I was so dang proud of her for taking on this challenge and meeting it head on.  I patted myself on the back for tracking down the potential obstacles to success and we all got a good night's rest.

Performance day arrived and we were ready!  Grandma was coming to spend the day with us and I was very grateful!  It's always nice to have Mom around when you are about to take on crazy for the day.

The church performance was first on the schedule for the day.  We arrived ahead of time (again, I patted myself on the back) and we headed to the back to where the children were getting ready.

Wrong.

That's not what "happens" when we go to church.  That's waaaaay off routine.  Damn, didn't think about that.  Okay, we'll deal.    So I sit and have a long conversation with how the day is a special day and that she is going to do the singing with her friends.  It was crazy in the set-up area.  Lots of buzz, lots of activity, lots of people.  So I stayed with her and we sat in a corner.  I needed to help her adjust to the change of activity....even though she had been in the room 100 times.  Different people were in it...."Mama, who are all these people?"  Damn.  Didn't think of that one.

It was time to put on her "Christmas Tree" costume.  Crap.  Didn't know that.  "But I'm supposed to be a snowman"  Ohh damn it!  Now there is performance mix-up.  Why oh why did I do this!??!

We talked for a long while about the Christmas Tree costume and I was finally able to get her to put it on.  She went to the table with her friends and started coloring.  Things were starting to feel "normal" to her and I could visibly see the difference. And just as soon as she started to settle in....it was "time to line up!"

Crap, I didn't transition her.  I should have given her a 2 minute warning......damn, damn.

As the children were lining up, she decided that she "can't do it."  "It's too many"  I'm sure she was talking about the amount of people around, so I took her to the back corner and made her sit down.  She needed to pull herself together, and I was getting frustrated.  "Mama, why are you mad at me?"

Shit.

Okay, I had to get my head on straight.  This was supposed to be fun, and I was turning it into a nightmare for her.  Haven't I always said that there are somethings she can do and some things she can't do and some things she can do with help?  I certainly wasn't helping here.  Change of plans....

"Okay, sweetie let's just go in the church and you can sit with me and Grandma and watch.  If you want to sing you can.  If not, that's okay too."  She agreed that was okay.

The performance started and of course the kids were cute as all heck.  It was getting close to the time for her to go on stage. "Do you want to go sing with your friends?"

"No.  I'm scared."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't remember the singing.  I will forget."

"Oh, honey, that's okay.  Miss K will help you."

"No Mama"

....and so she didn't.

Next opportunity for her to sing with her friends came up and I asked her again if she wanted to go up.

"No.  I mean, I want to.  But I can't.  I just can't Mama"

And she turned her head into me to cover one ear, pulling my hand to cover the other one.  We rocked and I cried.

I cried alot.

I cried the whole rest of the performance.

I rested my head on my Mom's shoulder and cried.  There we were, the three of us.  Each girl resting on her Mom's shoulder trying to find some peace.  And Grandma holding us all together.

I felt like I failed her by not moving more obstacles for her.  By not prepping her better.

And then I cried realizing that I am never going to be able to move them all.  Ever.

Plus I felt so bad for her.  She wanted to....she just couldn't do it.  She just couldn't muster the courage to do it.

Thankfully the morning was not a total disaster.  Santa came for a visit and gave all the children presents.  Her heart was soaring again.  (Thanks Santa!...you will never know how you healed a broken heart!)

Deep breath.  On to performance #2 for the day.

I walked into the rink quite exasperated.  I had already cried a bucket of tears and I had no idea what was about to happen over the next 90 minutes.  I have a friend who works at the rink who saw me walk in.  I'm sure I looked like hell...."What's wrong??"

It's been a day.

Nea is very used to the chaos of the rink.  She sees it every time she is there for skating practice or for hockey practice.  There are usually scads of people everywhere running around.  Nothing new there.

We headed to the locker room to change.....  I was dreading that snowman outfit because she'd never seen it, and she had never skated with it on.  She had already warned me the day before, "There better be a nose with the costume."  Oh sweet heavens, the nose was there too!!

In the costume in a snap, helped a friend into her costume too and then off to sit with her friends and get ready to go on the ice.

And she did.

Without 1 tear.  Without 1 stressor.  She remembered the routine, she never faltered and she even did an amazing spin.  Did I get it on video?  Nope.  I think I was suffering from PTSD by then and just didn't have any brain cells to think of things like videos.....

She sat with us after her performance to watch the rest of the show and seemed to enjoy every part of it.  She couldn't wait to get back on the ice for open skate.

150 other people were on the ice for the open community skate.  But she didn't care.

She swerved around them, through them and beside them.  She's comfortable there and she doesn't care who's around.


So what have a learned?  I'm not sure.   I think I would do it all again.  I think.

I have always believed in giving her opportunities.  And what I guess I need to remember is that she will decide what is and is not possible.  On her terms.  With her own courage and strength.

Oh, and Mom.  Always have your Mom with you.   :-)

Being Social - ish

A year.  Why has it been practically a year since I've posted?

I'm not entirely sure.  I think perhaps there was a "busy" factor. I think there was a "not one more thing to do" factor.  I think there was a "I over-share" factor.

I put myself on some sort of "blogging blackout."  I imposed some sort of hiatus on myself for reasons I'm not entirely sure.  Or, as a writer, it seemly may boil down to "lack of inspiration" factor.

It's not that things haven't been happening in our world.  It's not that we haven't had PLENTY of new challenges to face.  It's not that there hasn't been new things learned along the way.  Again, I have no answers about the silence, it was just there.  I've learned to respect the silence, acknowledge it for what it is and keep pressing forward.

So that's what I'm doing.

We are knee deep into the world of social learning these days.  Nea is now a kindergartner and that means that we traveled a whole new world.  Staying in school all day, being in a classroom of new friends, having a new teacher, going to a new school......required a couple weeks of transition, as you can imagine.  Overall, she seems to have adjusted well (although she hates school at 7:15am and loves it at 3:30p.m) considering all these new things thrown at her.

The other thing we have discovered this year is skating.  We joined friends one weekend last February for an afternoon of skating fun.  Much to my surprise she loved every bit of it and so I enrolled her in skating lessons.  Within 2 months of figure skating lessons, she had an interest in hockey.  And so- she spends 2-3 days a week on the ice honing on skills that surprise me every time!
Her skating skills are good enough, that she keeps moving up in the program.   She now is skating with the big girls, and not the little kids.  It's been a good challenge for her and I can see even more growth as she progresses!  Skating is an interesting sport for her.  The figure skating piece is solo--learning your own skill, challenging yourself, trying new things and getting better.  Hockey incorporates the team component and working together with others.

And there's lots of social learning in both.

A couple weeks ago when this session first started, new girls to the class were a little unsteady on their feet.  Of course there were a few falls along the way.  I noticed that Nea would stand off to the side and point at the girl flat out on the ice.  When I got closer, I heard her laughing and saying loudly HA ! HA ! HA!

Ooops....um, I'm not sure there's a figure skating social story....!!

I took her aside and explained that when someone falls on the ice-it's bad play to laugh at them.  She was genuinely confused as I tried to explain this little social rule of compassion.

"Nea, when someone falls, you say....'oh no! are you okay?' "  I think she took it in, but it's so dang hard to tell!

Fast forward to this weeks skating lesson.  One of the girls fell on the ice and Nea began circling around her.

"Are you okay?"

"Hey, are you okay?"

"oh no, are you okay?"

"Girl, are you okay?"

I think she circled that poor girl 10 times repeating over and over and over..."are you okay?"

We have a little more to learn I think.

And speaking of social stories....I have to give a shout out to Inside Out (yes the kids movie) for helping me explain a social situation to her.

Nea was having a rough day at school and the teacher gave her an instruction to do something.  Nea is really big into justice...."it's not fair" "I like it more"  "that's not how you do it..." , etc.  So she was trying to -yet again-explain something to that effect to the teacher.  The teacher responded, "Nea...it's okay, let it go."

Nea turned to her and replied, "No Ms. H, YOU let it go."

*faint*

Okay, that girl doesn't talk like that to me and she certainly is NOT going to talk that way to another adult.  The teacher informed me what had happened so that I was aware.  And I assured her we would be having a discussion at home.

This is how that discussion went down......

"So I hear that you said some words to Ms. H today that were not nice"
"But Mama, "E" was not listening, and I wanted the owl!   It's my favorite" (I have no idea what any of that referred to..."
"Okay, well, that part is not what I want to talk about.  I want to talk about the choice of words that you used with Ms. H.  We do not talk to people that way.  Not your teacher, not your Mama or your Papa or your friends, or anyone."
"But "E" made me mad!  I had Anger in my head!"  (okay, so we use Inside Out references alot when trying to talk about emotions. I am grateful for that show every day!)
"Oh!  I see, so you really had Anger in your head and you gave Anger to Ms. H"
(I can see wheels turning in her head.....)
"Well, yah...but....I had Anger in my head at E, not at Ms. H."
"But you chose the wrong words.  And the wrong attitude."
"yah" (head hanging)
"So, what can you do next time you have that much Anger in  your head before you talk to anyone?"
"I don't know."
"Well sometimes, people take deep breaths to blow the Anger away...."
".....and then I can let Joy in!"   (Oh for the love of Pete it worked!)
"Yes!  so you can Let Joy in!  Anger needs to move out of the way in your head so that you can talk with Joy."
"I'm sorry Mama"
"I'm not the one you have to say that to, right?"
"I will tell Ms. H tomorrow."

And she did.  Very first thing.

"I"m sorry I was talking with Anger."

These social things are tough to navigate for any kiddo.  I continue to learn how to break it down for her piece by piece to help her learn.  I don't know if she'll understand the social component....but I think she'll learn what the "rules" are along the way.

That's the best we can have right now.