The Crab

So, today is one of those days where the tears just sorta flow from time to time.

I know every parent has the "can I do this?" moments, but they really seemed to hit me today.

"What if I miss something, like some opportunity for her?"

"Can I make the right choices for her?"

"How do I not get swept up in the business of it all?"

"Am I starting in the right places?  Am I reading the right things?

"What happens on days she needs me the most, and I'm at my worst?"


Now, before anyone picks up the phone and calls me worried sick (Mom, this means you), I really am okay.  I'm just at that place where I think I have to "sit with it" for a little bit.  And I think for me, that's how I work through many things.  I suppose it's the Crab in me (my astrological sign is Cancer).  I pull myself into my hard, tough shell and protect all my squishy soft insides.  Sometimes I melt into myself...much like today.  But  it doesn't last long, and I don't wallow.  I just have to ride the waves and wait until I come out on the other beach.

Admittedly I may have overwhelmed myself today getting information.  I am in the process of joining the Autism Society of America-Central IL chapter.  The site is full of information and you can easily get lost in it.

I also started reviewing stuff for school (coming up in April) and I think THAT is what probably threw me over the edge.  There's all kinds of things to think about like IEP's (which would be Nea's education plan) and I cannot even begin to fathom her in a classroom environment.  I think what I really need to do, is go and watch a classroom.

Now the good news for me is that the Early Learning Center is just down the road, I've heard amazing things and I even know a teacher there as well as the principal.  (although the principal probably doesn't remember me at all).  I sat and reviewed their website, read all of last years newsletters and scanned through their therapists and teachers.  New therapists?  I can't imagine!  The thought of her going to school is just freaking me out!

The good news for us is that I am blessed to know a whole lot of teachers.  I mean a WHOLE lot.  (Hi Meg, Heather, Liz, Stacey, Kristinah, Kathy, Shelly, Barb, Heather2, Mimi) And I know a lot of folks who specialize in childhood development ( Hi Vanessa, Ann, Dana).  Everyone has sent me a note of encouragement and support.  Truly we are surrounded by amazing people!  I just need to keep remembering that!

On one of the websites I read this quote that I really liked.....

"It takes a village to raise a child. And when the child has special needs, it sometimes takes a village, the neighboring village, and a tribe of warriors."  

Boy howdy!

And my biggest fear of all....

What if *I* limit her potential?  What if I end up being the biggest obstacle because of preconceived notions that I already bring to the table?  I really am trying to be acutely aware of that and make sure that I keep myself in check as we continue on this journey.

In other news.....

Nea's therapy was good today.  "J"'s note reads:

"Nea did so well talking today!  Even attempted to repeat some word combinations (teddy bear, kitty cat, puppy dog, etc.).  Did great working with colors and animal sounds.  Very wound up/energetic today but still focused."  

Really?  Still focused??  That's amazing!  That makes me happy for her!

So...the girl had a great day....Momma was just hangin on.

I guess we keep the world in balance!