Pacifying

Parental judgment really irritates me.  You know what I'm talking about, right?  Those decisions we make as parents that someone else believes they have a better solution for.

"She's not in her own bed?"
"You let her have soda?"
"No organic milk?"
"White bread, really??"
"She still has a pacifier??!  How old is she!?!?"

Why can't we just support each other as parents, and stop harassing each other?  I think we're all doing the best we can with what we got.  Any parent will tell you that it's OJT (on the job training) and there is a lot of fine print you missed when you signed up for the gig in the first place.

No wonder why bullying is so prevalent.  Kids watch their parents judge and bully all the time!  It's almost like we need to hand out fliers to passers-by to justify our parenting choices.....

"Here, take this spreadsheet, it explains our budget and why organic milk is not an option."
"Please, review this pamphlet, it will shed light on her sleeping arrangements."
"I have this affidavit written and signed by her pediatrician about white bread..."

On and on it goes.

The one that is really bugging the hell out of me is in regards to the pacifier.  Nea has had one since about 4 weeks.  I waited that long as we were establishing breastfeeding.  Although I did learn recently that "nipple confusion" is really not something we need to get all in a tither about.  Some babies have a "nipple preference"....but that's a different blog on a different day.  My point is, the girl has had this thing as long as she can remember.

The sucking reflex is a reflex for the first few weeks of life.  Then the sucking goes from reflexive to soothing.  It's experiences with that soothing thing that most parents decide to begin a long relationship with a pacifier.   There are times when a parent may hear a host of angels sing when the pacifier is popped into a child's mouth and they drift off to sleep.

Pacifiers have never bugged me.  In my 25+ years of pediatric nursing, I've come to really, REALLY appreciate a kid who has a pacifier and how it can soothe them.  Pediatric nurses do some awful things to babies and toddlers and if they can get some relief with a pacifier than I say go for it!

On most days, you will find my happy 2 y/o with a pacifier in her mouth.  And, you can be certain, at nap time or bedtime she will have that device.  She calls it "a-sigh"  which is her approximation of the word "paci" which is what her Poppa and I call it.  Whatever term or annunciation she uses, we know exactly what she means!

Nea has speech delays.  "Take the pacifier out of her mouth, that's the problem" (I've heard that one.)  Her speech delays are not because of a pacifier.  Her speech delays are intertwined with cognitive delays, sensory perception disorder and landing somewhere on the  Autism Spectrum Disorder.  She is seeing 3 different therapists (speech, occupational therapy, developmental therapy) on a weekly basis.  She is in intensive therapy 4 hours a week, 8 if you add the stuff we do at home.  That's a whole lot of work for a 2 y/o.

Nea is not a typical 2 y/o.  She is quirky, she is eccentric and she has many things to work on to get her caught up with her peers.  My "non-typical" 2 y/o does not process information or handle environmental stressors like most kids her age.  Because of her sensory perception issues, when information comes in (sound, sight, touch, smell, taste) it can be overwhelming because she is not processing the information correctly.  It also can move her to a hyper-alert or hyper-active state that leaves her senses in overdrive and then the simplest of things become issues.  Why am I telling you all of this?  Because you need to understand how her brain is getting information and what it's able to do or not do with it.

Imagine living at DefCon 10 all the time.  Think about having to function in a "extreme"mode constantly.  It would be maddening to anyone.  Guess what helps.  Yup.

The Pacifier.

The pacifier is not even something she really sucks on.  She uses it to help organize herself.  Help to calm her brain for a few minutes so she can focus.  And when she's able to do that....the sky is the limit for her!

Her therapists insist on it.  They WANT her to have some sort of device that does that for her.  It's an important part of her therapy.  So yeah, I probably could get all 3 of them and Nea's case coordinator to sign a 10 page document as to why it's necessary for her to use a pacifier frequently.

But I shouldn't have to, should I?

So in the meantime we will endure the "poor thing, her Momma doesn't know that pacifiers are bad at her age" looks.  We will try to ignore the adults that say, "oh, honey, you better take that out of her mouth!"  We'll let the "looking down the nose" glares from people just roll off us.

But do me a favor.

Think about Nea's story the next time you would like to judge a parent on a choice they make.  Do you know the whole story?  Are you aware of all the circumstances that helped to shape and mold the choice?


Just think, please before you judge.

Actually, that's a pretty good way to handle most of the world around you.